Transcribed from recordings by James F., reporter for Ghost Hunter Magazine
JF: Um, testing, one-two-three. Okay. Um, hello? Is anyone here?
John: Hey, dude. What’s shaking? Oh, you are! (laughter)
JF: Um, yeah. You gave me kind of a shock, appearing like that out of nowhere.
John: First interview with a ghost, huh?
JF: Yes. You’re the first actual ghost anyone’s interviewed, I think.
John: So, let’s get started then.
JF: Right. So, it’s just after dark and we’re here in a cemetery in the town of Oakwood, New York…
John: Not just a cemetery, man. My cemetery. This is where I’m buried.
JF: Okay. And we’re speaking with the ghost of John…um, what’s your last name?
John: Let’s just stick with John. Get to the questions, man. You can add the other shit later.
JF: Right. (fumbling with papers) Okay. First question. When did you die?
John: 1978. My parents killed me and buried my body here.
JF: You’re parents killed you? Why?
John: The usual crap. I was into some heavy stuff. Worshipping the devil, sacrificing animals. Nothing a lot of other fifteen-year-old boys don’t do, but it put a bug up my parents’ butt.
JF: I see. Um, what’s the worst thing about being a ghost?
John: Ask some of my buddies, and they’d say not being able to do stuff during the day. Or not being able to sleep. But for me, it’s probably being stuck in the same clothes forever. I mean, look at this shirt. Ted Nugent. Sure, he was cool and all, but it wasn’t like I didn’t listen to any other music. I love Rainbow, Blue Oyster Cult, Led Zep, Cream, Deep Purple…heavy metal man, it rules! But when you can’t change your clothes, it’s like being stuck in a Beavis and Butthead cartoon, wearing the same old thing all the time.
JF: You know about Beavis and Butthead?
John: We know all about pop culture, man. What do you think we do all day, sit around waiting to scare people? We can go all over, and people can’t see us. We sit in living rooms and bedrooms, listening to music and watching TV. Ghosts are like the ultimate coach potatoes.
JF: So being invisible in the daylight is something you enjoy.
John: Hell, yeah! Didn’t you ever wish you could peek into a window or into the girls’ locker room? Well, we don’t have to peek. We can just stand right next to someone, and they’ll never know.
JF: So, you’re like peeping Toms. Or stalkers.
John: Hey, I don’t think I like your tone, man. We’re ghosts. We don’t have to follow your rules.
JF: I’m sorry, I—
John: In fact, I think we’ll break one right now. Hey, boys!
(angry shouts in the background, followed by someone yelling “Hold him down!”)
JF: Help! Stop! I didn’t mean—
(A terrible scream)
John: That’s all, folks. Maybe we’ll see you soon.
Editor’s Note: Reporter James F. went missing during his assignment in Oakwood.