Interview with Noble Tud, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista from ‘Citizen Dick’

As the author of Citizen Dick, I wanted to interview Noble Tud, the CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista, the third largest telecommunications corporation in the world.

Richard: Noble, you’ve been the CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista for five years. When did you know that you were CEO material, that you were capable of running one of the largest, multinational corporations in the United States.

Noble: I’m sorry, did you say something? Oh, right, right. You want to know when I knew I could do my job, when I thought I was capable of it.

Richard: Right.

Noble: When I was seventeen, my father demanded that I get a job at our country club; he was afraid I was getting too soft, both mentally and physically. I’d recently had a check-up, and my mother told father that I weighed 226 pounds, that the doctor said I had the heart of a stroke patient. At 5 foot 7, I was quite portly, and even wheezed after chewing gum. As a matter of fact, I could no longer fit into my—

Richard: Noble, the question. When did you think you could run a major corporation?

Noble: Well, as I was about to say, when I got a job wrapping silverware in napkins in the club’s dining room, I was able to figure out a better, faster way to do it. My way required only two folds, then an overhand wrap. I remember some of the others telling me what a good idea I had, that they’d refrain from giving me a wedgie that night as a way of saying “thanks.” At that point, I knew that I could lead men. Well, that I could get a job leading men as long as my father, who owned several oil & gas exploration companies, would give me that job. Actually, I didn’t even think that I could lead men, per se, but I—

Richard: Noble, we have limited time—all of the sudden—and I’d love to discuss some of the mergers that have taken place—or that you would have liked to take place–under your rein as CEO. For instance, the merger of CommGlobalTeleVista with Home Depot.

Noble: (he chuckles, then wipes clean the line of spittle snaking down his chin) Well, first of all, that wouldn’t have been a merger, as you put it. That would have been a full-scale hostile takeover. I haven’t been into a Home Depot in years, but I hated the way those smug little lawn and garden nerds in the red vests would roll their eyes at my questions. I’m tellin’ ya’, we would have shitcanned the tools and lumber, then bundled plants and mulch with some of our long distance products. Brilliant. Killer stuff.

Richard: What aspect of being CommGlobalTeleVista’s CEO do you like the most?

Noble: I think that knowing we’re providing a service for millions of people—and businesses—is all of the job satisfaction I’ll ever need. And now that our billing is fairly accurate, it’s a tremendous source of pride in knowing that the payments we’re getting are actually what we’re owed. There were some years back there when I think some customers were paying for their long distance service with food stamps—and getting away with it! You can’t redeem those at the bank, mister.

Richard: And, conversely, what do you like the least about your job?

Noble: I don’t like all of the numbers. They give me a terrible pain (he taps above his right eye) right there. I resent all of the damn figures I have to keep up with. I really just like to talk. Reading, looking at numbers…that’s for the people on the finance floor.

Richard: Thanks for taking time out to share some of your thoughts with us, Noble.

Noble: Ah, not to worry, kid.

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About Nyx

Author, baker, zine maker.

Posted on April 20, 2010, in Character Interview, Contemporary, Humor. Bookmark the permalink. Comments Off on Interview with Noble Tud, CEO of CommGlobalTeleVista from ‘Citizen Dick’.

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